More of my story....

Should one date a younger man?

The other day I met someone, I was standing in a party when he walked up to me and started talking about Quantam theory...I looked at him bemused till he stopped and said "Oh! I must be boring you to tears!" I realized he had stopped and I managed to say "Not at all, that was fascinating as I studied Quantam theory too". OK I must admit I have something for geeky and nerdy people. There is something about their lost look and the theories they spout that brings out the protective female in me..Later I realized he and I shared many common interests - books, music, and more... It was so easy talking to him each time we met in any social gathering over the next few weeks..I really liked him very much, and it seemed he liked me too. I don't know if it was just as a friend from his side but I was definitely attracted to him..There was only one problem - he was 8 years younger...That kept me guessing, is he really interested or is he just being friendly because he finds me a nice person...He was a desi too so there was no way I could bring myself to try and discover more by making any suggestive moves...lest I appear aggressive and lose the friend I have because I wanted more. And then I kept thinking about the 8 year difference. Why could he not have been my age I thought...if I was a guy it would be still ok, after all there is an 8 year gap between my dad and mom and it dosen't even show...So why can I not think the same as a woman? I asked a married friend who did not know him about this dilemma and she only talked about some ZEE TV serial where there seems to be a similar story (Yes, we get ZEE USA!) and the woman is 10 years older. So the story so far is that the younger man at 30 is very much in the running than her at 40...and he seems to be a little disappointed to be with her now...I really did not want to hear ZEEisms...that too from a soap opera but the facts my friend told me did make sense...But why marriage or a serious relationship? Can one just make do with an affair or a fling? I thought.. although he is not the 'fling' type....Then I imagined myself hanging out with this guy and I could already feel the scorchers my friends would give me....I did not even think about what my parents or relatives would say if the news reached them in India...Of coure this was and still is purely rhetorical at this point ...as nothing happened...and it may never get to the point where it develops into something more even later, so its all conjecture...but it did make me wonder if something like this does come up in my life what should I do...and if younger is OK how much younger can he be...2 years? 4 years? or 8 years???

Women in America...Carrying on from where I left off:

OK i am coming in after a long hiatus ...I can say I was busy which I was but it was also a kind of mood where I did not feel like writing for some time..but without further ado let me carry on where I left off -So at the Women's Conference which I went to I was happy to see many professional women together in one room - there were CEOs, VPs of banks, financiers, other professionals and of course MBA students like me and several senior women were key note speakers. During the course of the day to my chagrin I found out that the women in America faced no different problems than in India. Many women who were senior bankers spoke about 'old boys networks' and the fact that they had to be better than men to get the same jobs. They were not complaining...in fact they were offering advice to the upcoming professionals. A couple of women had finally felt too stifled by the banking culture and needed to devote more time to their children so they had moved out of the banks - some of them became venture financiers and yet others became entreprenuers...Whatever we may say about how women now equal men, the bare fact is that most of the women had to compromise somewhere in their careers to look after their children rather than their partners. Then one recent banker talked about how she had found that in banking there was overt sexual harrassment at all levels. Almost all the women seemed to be in agreement. In fact, this young banker had already conducted an annonymous survey of the women in the banking industry and she found out that the harrasment existed at all levels without discrimination! This was a bit of an eye-opener for me as I previously thought that it would be different in this country, especially within the upper echelons. On the positive side it seemed like diversity had become more important for many companies but companies did not want to give concessions to women who may be mothers too...One can now argue why should the companies do so which would be correct, but this is also the reason why many women never reach the top of their profession. They choose to take a backseat somewhere along their career path, except those who are completely driven and may give the time to their career at the expense of their homes. In my personal opinion, a mother's presence is a unique component of character building for a child and to provide them with the emotional security to grow up as strong adults. With the no-options and no-compromise attitude of employer companies, the society will become increasingly fragmented and maybe more people will see their shrinks on a regular basis...but that is just my opinion as a Desi... I may be wrong...

.....and they say women in America are liberated!
Recently I was at a women's conference in New York in the heart of Manhattan. Essentially this conference was for the prominent women working in Wall Street. The conference itself was held at an old boy's club, a very prestigious club in Manhattan that was for the high-powered from an old Ivy league institute. They had liveried attendants at every door and the solemn tapestry laden surroundings spelt money and 'upper class' snobbery. Having rushed in from yet another rainy morning in Manhattan I needed to go to the restroom to freshen up. Looking for the 'ladies' bathroom I realized that this bathroom situated on mezannine floor must have been an after thought in the later years....it was evident that this club had been the domain of only men in the yesteryears. It was good, I thought that times had changed for the better and that an only women's conference was being held here now, even though by the location of the restroom one could tell that there were still more male members than female. ....(to be contd. later)

Black men are off limits...?

I was studying with Luna in a study room at school. Our rooms had glass fronts and Luna being one of the hottest girls on campus had to keep looking up to smile at men who would pass by and would lightly knock on the glass partition. I did have my share of 'friends' but Luna had many admirers as well. I had never seen her with a hair out of place or with her mascara smudged and she always wore classic outfits which accentuated her perfect figure. She is a warm and charming person too which added to her attraction as well as her glowing ebony skin. Since Luna kept smiling at people passing outside who were waving to her, I kept looking and watching too and soon we started exchanging notes about the passers by. Dean passed by and we agreed he was intelligent and hot. And then Kino popped in to chat with her for a minute and as soon as he left I said..he is so hot, is he your friend? She smiled and said, 'Yes! And girl, you seem to have a thing for black men' I said 'Yes ! I do I must admit...but the black men have been waving at you not me' She said 'That's true, but don't go and fall for a black man'. I said 'Why?' She said 'Honey! You're not the typical Indian girl are you...wanting a black man...' She told me that it there were not too many black men who came to Ivy League institutes to do their MBAs...and they were in demand...and black women considered that they had the first right to them. 'Honey, we have been losing our men to these white girls already...and now Indian girls want them too!', she joked. It was true that many ABCDs with darker skin did grow up identifying more with blacks than whites. But I knew of only a handful of Indians married to black people. This could also be because of the way the black society is set up...they are more religious and traditional than the white people in general and 'sticking together for one's brother/sister' is the norm. In some ways they seem to be almost clannish. 'It's a moot point really', I told Luna...since there are no black men who are after me right now! Luna laughed again and said "Good luck..I hope you get whoever it is you want" and we kept studying.....Recently Luna started going steady with a European man...and they seem really serious about each other...so now I figure it's only fair that I just keep looking for love as usual without letting the skin color or origin deter me...!

Another day and a pick up attempt....

Some days ago I made a trip to Washington (the State on the west coast and not the city as in D.C.)...and when I came back to the East I took a shuttle van home. I had barely settled into the van when the driver asked me..." Don't you live at XXX Street?" I said "Yes, I do. But how do you know?" And he told me that he had picked me a few weeks ago from home when I went somewhere else. We were waiting for some other people to come out of the airport and he kept talking. "So! You're Single?" I told him I was. He was a black man but from his accent it seemed he had probably come from an African country. He continued speaking " You're cute you know!" And I looked up for the first time from my book. "Oh" was all I could manage. "Thanks" I added not wanting to sound like a complete turn-off. I really didn't think I was beautiful or sexy but maybe 'cute' was true...I thought. But my monosyllabic replies did not deter the driver. He next asked me if I was looking for love...and having just come back from a trip feeling a little tired and nostalgic for home I said I was in a fashion. I started looking out of the window then when suddenly a piece of paper was thrust in front of my nose. "Call me, ok?" he said and then I realized he had given me his name and phone number. His name was Osa...maybe African, I don't know...I sat with almost frozen with the piece of paper in my hands when I saw the lady entering the van looking at me curiously. I quickly regained composure and tried to look down the rest of the way so that I wouldn't have to see Osa looking at me in the rear view mirror. When he turned in the wrong direction half way down, I realized he was probably trying to drop off everyone else who got in before he dropped me...not wanting an uncomfortable situation later... and having almost no luggage I got down with another passenger who was a few blocks from my home. 'Call me tonight" Osa whispered urgently as he handed me my suitcase and I handed him the tip. I came away feeling...ok at least SOMEONE finds me cute...but wondering yet again at how easy it was here to pick up people for sex here in the U.S. I am sure he did not want a relationship...but everyone knows how lonely you can be when you live alone and that is what they do. Probably in a society where the only way to meet and have relationships and eventually marry people is to put yourself out there..that is what people do. How will I cope I sometimes wonder...its been years since I had been touched by a man and I would like to be...but is this the way. While looking for love...I sometimes wonder how long it will take and if I should not be having some casual encounters on the way...as I am wasting the best years of my life alone. Sometimes I have this strong urge just to hold a warm male body tight for a few minutes...just to reassure myself someone who will love me is really out there somewhere... I was mortified with myself that I actually thought about Osa for a moment before I threw away his note...and about how if I ever did want to have a casual encounter how would I make sure the other person did not have AIDS or something like that....