Types of Bad Kissers:
The Biter:
They start out slow, they give you a soft kiss in the beginning and just when you let down your guard and relax your lips they will suck your lips into their mouth and bite down hard on them. Ouch! It is painful to say the least. It would be ok if they do it once in a while when you’re really turned on. But if experiencing sharp pain each time you kiss isn’t what you want set the ground rules. However some biters cannot be cured. Like the one biter I dated. He agreed to let me slap him hard every time he bit my lips…but it turned out that he liked biting so much that he endured the hardest slaps and carried on munching on my mouth. Time to move on, big tooth.
The Licker:
This is the guy who is probably new to sex or hasn’t scored too many girls in his dating past. He may even be a nerd who thinks Math Olympiads are the most fun he’s ever had. He gives more attention to the area around your lips, the chin in particular than your lips. You close in for a kiss and he plants a perfunctory one on your pucker before he brings out the licker. He swishes your chin with his tongue in strokes that would put your windshield wipers to shame. He focuses everywhere but the lips, covering your face with his saliva. Each time you try to nudge him back to your lips he goes there for a moment only to return to his licking. This guy is better off making out with an icecream bar, instead of a real live girl.
The Sandpaperer:
He thinks his stubble is sexy, so he never bothers to shave. That is bad to begin with but he also likes to rub his cheek hard against your face till your skin feels like sandpaper. One instance with this guy, and my face broke out in a red rash from the constant rough action, even make up could not cover it and I had to hide my face from the world till it subsided. Kiss him only if you can afford a vacation from work the next couple of days.
The Gagger:
This guy starts focusing on your lips, but soon he wants to do the deep dive pushing his tongue deep into your mouth until you start to gag. He really believes in letting his tongue venture where no tongue has ever gone before. When your eyes start getting wider and you start flailing your arms in desperation, he lets you come up for air before he begins again. No tongue to tongue play for this guy, he heads straight for your gullet. Steer clear, or give up as good as you get to make him realize he’s not the choking expert.
The dental hygienist:
Maybe he thinks you don’t own a toothbrush. He seems to focus on licking around your teeth repeatedly, going past the recommended 2 minutes that your toothbrush gives you. He doesn’t even change zones, he just keeps at your uppers and lowers from one side to another till he sucks up every bit of plaque in your mouth. Ughh!
Mr. Jaws:
You see teeth, you see gums, you see it all. This type of guy never closes his mouth during a kiss, it opens and that is how it remains. He probably doesn’t know what a lip to lip kiss means or maybe he is pretending his mouth is a cave with ancient stalactites and stalagmites for your tongue to explore. His passivity is thrilling the first time but soon you’re left wondering what to do with the gaping hole in front of you. If you wanted to see so much teeth and gum you’d rent Jaws again!
The Regurgitator:
Oh! He is sneaky, this one. He loves passing things from his mouth to yours. So much that he’s willing to do it sneakily. Just when you think the kiss is going well you may have a large piece of chewed up gum deposited in your mouth. Or worse, right after you’ve taken a sip out of your wine-glass and go lip to lip for a romantic kiss, he rounds his lips and deposits a thin lukewarm stream of wine mixed with his saliva into your mouth. Vintage wine turns revolting when drunk this way, but what does he care - he’s the exchanger. He’ll happily recycle water, wine, gum even, horror of horrors, other “netherly” fluids from his mouth to yours without your consent. Every time you open your mouth and close your eyes, get ready to experience unexpected foreign substances of varying tastes and consistencies regurgitated from his mouth to yours.
The Vacuum:
This is the human Dyson, he never loses suction. Not even when you want him to. He begins by sucking your lips into his mouth, and keeping them there till you forget that they ever belonged to you in the first place. For added pleasure, he will suck out all the air from you and chew on your lips intermittently and maybe reward you with a thrust from his tongue. The good? Can’t think of anything.
The Lizard:
His sharp and pointy tongue darts in an out of your mouth repeatedly and he builds up to a frenzied mini orgasm of his own leaving you completely bewildered. And usually the darting tongue is accompanies by tight lips that let nothing in their mouth. Be even more afraid of the super darter, his tongue may dart in and out of other places beside your mouth. If you don’t like slushy, spiky tongues entering your ear canal or nostrils (yes! Seriously!) avoid this one like the plague.
The Washing Machine:
He starts out well and you almost start to believe you’ve got a good one this time, until his tongue starts going round and round inside your mouth and he never pauses for a breath. You can try and pull back and get back to the earlier lip lock but his tongue is determined to clear your mouth of any debris. He’s almost like the dental hygienist except that he focuses on the inside of your teeth rather than the outside.
The Statue:
He seems to freeze like a sculpture every time he kisses you, with his head locked into position. He never moves his head or varies his posture and makes you think he’s had a bucket of liquid nitrogen poured over his head.
The Drooler:
This guy slobbers all over your face like a hound dog. There is nothing really wrong with the kiss except that your hand towel would be soaking wet if you tried to wipe down your face with it during the kiss. A wet, wet and slightly slushy experience.
The Hasn’t-ever-seen-a-tic-tac-guy:
The stink from his morning breath mixed in with a vague smell of onions and garlic from last night’s gala dinner assaults your senses. He wants you to know the plain uncoated truth about his present and his past food consumption. When he opens his mouth all you can think of is how to close it for him after shoving in a handful of breath mints.
OK, not all the kisses I've known are bad. In fact, some have been wonderful, but isn't it more fun to talk about the awful Kissers?
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
New found dating pleasures, rants from 2007
I like to think of this blog as my secret diary. I don't think it gets read very often given how infrequently I post here. So it's kind of delicious and naughty to write of my adventures on a public blog which is still under wraps. It's sort of like kissing on an elevator. You never know when someone can walk in and catch you...and that's the deliciousness of it. I did kiss a lot in elevators when I was a teenager. Never had sex in an elevator considering most buildings in India are not more than 15-20 floors, too short a ride to have sex! And it was always the same person since I was with him for about 15 years before we broke up....so I have found out now that more than one can be fun...When I stepped into the dating world a couple of years ago, I thought about what turned me on in men...it's kind of strange when you have been with one person for some time you forget some of the basic things that turn you on as you adapt to the good and bad of your partner. And of course your sexual needs also evolve. Thinking about it I realized I was most comfortable with Indian men as I knew them more and could have more control. Speaking of control I realized I enjoy it...I'd always enjoyed having control...in the boardroom and in the bedroom. Strangely enough I wanted to be under but I wanted to be the one instructing my man to do exactly what I wanted. So in this beginning of another dating life I decided to get the kind of men I was looking for. Those who were more compliant to my wishes...would that lead to someone I love. Who knew...but one thing I did know. That I wanted someone who would be more docile so that I could be the commanding one in my relationship. In public, I would be the female batting her eyelashes at her man but secretly grabbing his ass. In private, I wanted to show my true color and have my man do mostly what I wanted. So I decided, that I would look for men who enjoyed being dominated. I found that such men were mostly younger...They are sweet, they get hard quick and can get hard more often and they like to be with older women such as me. There are some older men who are like that but the powerplay has to be switched a little, to give them the "man" status when they want it and make them happy so they are your willing slaves in bed. Younger men on the other hand are happy following your beck and call. For them it is an adventure with an older woman and they are oh so eager to please. So I have my dating segmentation now. When I want fun and games and a couple of good days I date a younger guy. I don't make it serious as it is never going to be. I choose carefully, guys who are aiming high in their career are the best usually. They are intelligent, motivated and fun to talk to. Their drive makes them want to excel at everything including the bedroom. And when we have our fun dates and a fun weekend together, it's best to move the relationship towards friendship. If someone sticks around and calls me again I turn into a mentor as they go on to their careers and their new love lives. That is a fulfilling relationship for me. After all, who doesn't like to plant seedlings and watch them grow? It's nice.But the con of this segment is that the guys I met have been relatively inexperienced. They don't really know how to please a woman and I teach them but it is tedious, and you don't get the fruits of the improvement. By then the relationship ends. So there is a need for the next segment. Older men. Older men are less adaptable to your wishes but some of them know what to do with a woman, not only in bed but also in public. You can feel deliciously sexy as they encircle you waist and caress you a bit in public. Younger men are often awkward and most of the times people look at you quizzically especially if you go to an "Indian" place where there are aunties and kids milling around. More about this older yet docile segment in the next post.
Indian men and the BJs
All men love a good BJ but Indian men speak of it in hushed reverent words. Mostly because many of them have just fantasized about it most of their lives. And that even includes now singles that were married before. I do not particularly fancy giving one - it's a 'job' after all - but the power is a turn on. It makes me wonder why the former wives and girl friends did not want to get this edge over their men.Since I was out in the dating world again I decided to hone my skills. After my last relationship which had ended after more than a decade I had taken a sex-sabbatical to nurse my broken heart. Which mean I had no sex for quite a few years. Now that I was dating again, I was feeling rusty and apprehensive about my power to please with my mouth. My first recruit to try my new found tactics after reading and practicing on inanimate objects was my big Tamilian. I had an array of ammo. There was the basket weave massager with warm oil. The hot and cold alternator using ice cubes. The double whip which explored the wild side. The worshipping look he gave me after was quite a thrill. Watch out Indian men, here I come armed with my new found knowledge. I will make you melt and kiss my feet! ;-)
The "biting" type of guy
Good kissers are a rare breed. My big Tamil guy I was dating certainly wasn't. It might have been lack of experience. He'd grown up in a small village near Madurai and then come to the USA. Went back to choose a "bride", got married in the month he was there and then promptly had a kid. Typical desi fashion. Now after a few years he was divorced...he said his wife cheated on him. I could not be sure if that was the real reason but he was divorced. Being a careful person I asked him to get his HIV and show me his ID so I could at least be sure he was who he said and that he did not have communicable diseases... What I did not expect was that such a mild mannered guy would be a biter...! The first time he kissed me he was gentle...did not drool too much, had nice firm lips. Drooling mouths or too soft lips always turned me off so I was glad. But just as I was getting comfortable -relaxing my lips under his and about to release my tongue from behind my teeth he sucked my lips in his mouth and bit down hard on them. Smarting with pain and anger I gave him a shove and told him to be careful. "Vary Sarry" he said and promptly did it again! I disengaged myself and told him it was time for a talk. I sat him down on the sofa and told him this was not OK and he admitted he got carried away and told me to slap his cheek if he bit me again. It was funny kissing him after that...every few minutes I would have to slap him on the cheek...he would draw back apologize and later do it again...and so it went on.... I figured the sex was OK and I was teaching him a thing or two about how to please me....so it would do for now..but Oh! for a good kisser!
The dating merry go round
So I have been on the dating merry go round for the last year ...which is one reason I never have the time to post. It's been interesting to say the least. And I am discovering that variety really is the spice of life. Having been in a long term relationship for more than a decade before I went to school it feels like a fresh breeze in my life. And along the way I have met many interesting people. So the guy I was trying to write about in the last post which I never ended..was one of the first people I met. Cute. Younger than me. And comfortable to be with. 3 dates later I'd had some good sex and was wondering if he at least approached being "the one". He claimed he had been "almost virgin" before me since he had ended his last relationship when his g.f. broke his heart long ago. Now he was 30, and looked up to me to give him a good time in bed. We did have a good time...and I was almost tempted to give him some serious thought but both of us knew we were headed in very different directions...it would have been impossible! And that's when I realized I could date people without having to pledge myself to them forever. After 3 dates we'd had fun but none of us wanted to get serious. Since this was new for me he suggested we don't call each other after the 3rd date. It felt weird to do this to someone I'd had good sex with and I did miss him but later I realized how sensible he'd been. After all what would we have talked about...we had almost nothing in common!So I went back to looking. The No.2 was nice. We met online, chatted for hours for a couple of months and then one day finally met. He drove 8 hours to see me...which was flattering. Flattering but stupid for a first date since he arrived at 1 AM and I felt almost obliged to offer him my couch...and we ended having sex almost immediately. I did break my first date rule but it did not feel strange. We had been talking for 4 hours every day for 2 months especially because I had a touring job where I was always stuck in hotels and airports and it was nice to have some to talk to while waiting for a flight or for sleep. And he always seemed to be handy. At this point there was nothing much talk about really...except try the thing we'd never even mentioned once in these hours of conversation.
Indian men and the BJs
All men love a good BJ but Indian men speak of it in hushed reverent words. Mostly because many of them have just fantasized about it most of their lives. And that even includes now singles that were married before. I do not particularly fancy giving one - it's a 'job' after all - but the power is a turn on. It makes me wonder why the former wives and girl friends did not want to get this edge over their men.Since I was out in the dating world again I decided to hone my skills. After my last relationship which had ended after more than a decade I had taken a sex-sabbatical to nurse my broken heart. Which mean I had no sex for quite a few years. Now that I was dating again, I was feeling rusty and apprehensive about my power to please with my mouth. My first recruit to try my new found tactics after reading and practicing on inanimate objects was my big Tamilian. I had an array of ammo. There was the basket weave massager with warm oil. The hot and cold alternator using ice cubes. The double whip which explored the wild side. The worshipping look he gave me after was quite a thrill. Watch out Indian men, here I come armed with my new found knowledge. I will make you melt and kiss my feet! ;-)
The "biting" type of guy
Good kissers are a rare breed. My big Tamil guy I was dating certainly wasn't. It might have been lack of experience. He'd grown up in a small village near Madurai and then come to the USA. Went back to choose a "bride", got married in the month he was there and then promptly had a kid. Typical desi fashion. Now after a few years he was divorced...he said his wife cheated on him. I could not be sure if that was the real reason but he was divorced. Being a careful person I asked him to get his HIV and show me his ID so I could at least be sure he was who he said and that he did not have communicable diseases... What I did not expect was that such a mild mannered guy would be a biter...! The first time he kissed me he was gentle...did not drool too much, had nice firm lips. Drooling mouths or too soft lips always turned me off so I was glad. But just as I was getting comfortable -relaxing my lips under his and about to release my tongue from behind my teeth he sucked my lips in his mouth and bit down hard on them. Smarting with pain and anger I gave him a shove and told him to be careful. "Vary Sarry" he said and promptly did it again! I disengaged myself and told him it was time for a talk. I sat him down on the sofa and told him this was not OK and he admitted he got carried away and told me to slap his cheek if he bit me again. It was funny kissing him after that...every few minutes I would have to slap him on the cheek...he would draw back apologize and later do it again...and so it went on.... I figured the sex was OK and I was teaching him a thing or two about how to please me....so it would do for now..but Oh! for a good kisser!
The dating merry go round
So I have been on the dating merry go round for the last year ...which is one reason I never have the time to post. It's been interesting to say the least. And I am discovering that variety really is the spice of life. Having been in a long term relationship for more than a decade before I went to school it feels like a fresh breeze in my life. And along the way I have met many interesting people. So the guy I was trying to write about in the last post which I never ended..was one of the first people I met. Cute. Younger than me. And comfortable to be with. 3 dates later I'd had some good sex and was wondering if he at least approached being "the one". He claimed he had been "almost virgin" before me since he had ended his last relationship when his g.f. broke his heart long ago. Now he was 30, and looked up to me to give him a good time in bed. We did have a good time...and I was almost tempted to give him some serious thought but both of us knew we were headed in very different directions...it would have been impossible! And that's when I realized I could date people without having to pledge myself to them forever. After 3 dates we'd had fun but none of us wanted to get serious. Since this was new for me he suggested we don't call each other after the 3rd date. It felt weird to do this to someone I'd had good sex with and I did miss him but later I realized how sensible he'd been. After all what would we have talked about...we had almost nothing in common!So I went back to looking. The No.2 was nice. We met online, chatted for hours for a couple of months and then one day finally met. He drove 8 hours to see me...which was flattering. Flattering but stupid for a first date since he arrived at 1 AM and I felt almost obliged to offer him my couch...and we ended having sex almost immediately. I did break my first date rule but it did not feel strange. We had been talking for 4 hours every day for 2 months especially because I had a touring job where I was always stuck in hotels and airports and it was nice to have some to talk to while waiting for a flight or for sleep. And he always seemed to be handy. At this point there was nothing much talk about really...except try the thing we'd never even mentioned once in these hours of conversation.
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