The types of Bad Kissers I've known (and you should avoid)

Types of Bad Kissers:

The Biter:
They start out slow, they give you a soft kiss in the beginning and just when you let down your guard and relax your lips they will suck your lips into their mouth and bite down hard on them. Ouch! It is painful to say the least. It would be ok if they do it once in a while when you’re really turned on. But if experiencing sharp pain each time you kiss isn’t what you want set the ground rules. However some biters cannot be cured. Like the one biter I dated. He agreed to let me slap him hard every time he bit my lips…but it turned out that he liked biting so much that he endured the hardest slaps and carried on munching on my mouth. Time to move on, big tooth.

The Licker:
This is the guy who is probably new to sex or hasn’t scored too many girls in his dating past. He may even be a nerd who thinks Math Olympiads are the most fun he’s ever had. He gives more attention to the area around your lips, the chin in particular than your lips. You close in for a kiss and he plants a perfunctory one on your pucker before he brings out the licker. He swishes your chin with his tongue in strokes that would put your windshield wipers to shame. He focuses everywhere but the lips, covering your face with his saliva. Each time you try to nudge him back to your lips he goes there for a moment only to return to his licking. This guy is better off making out with an icecream bar, instead of a real live girl.

The Sandpaperer:
He thinks his stubble is sexy, so he never bothers to shave. That is bad to begin with but he also likes to rub his cheek hard against your face till your skin feels like sandpaper. One instance with this guy, and my face broke out in a red rash from the constant rough action, even make up could not cover it and I had to hide my face from the world till it subsided. Kiss him only if you can afford a vacation from work the next couple of days.

The Gagger:
This guy starts focusing on your lips, but soon he wants to do the deep dive pushing his tongue deep into your mouth until you start to gag. He really believes in letting his tongue venture where no tongue has ever gone before. When your eyes start getting wider and you start flailing your arms in desperation, he lets you come up for air before he begins again. No tongue to tongue play for this guy, he heads straight for your gullet. Steer clear, or give up as good as you get to make him realize he’s not the choking expert.

The dental hygienist:
Maybe he thinks you don’t own a toothbrush. He seems to focus on licking around your teeth repeatedly, going past the recommended 2 minutes that your toothbrush gives you. He doesn’t even change zones, he just keeps at your uppers and lowers from one side to another till he sucks up every bit of plaque in your mouth. Ughh!

Mr. Jaws:
You see teeth, you see gums, you see it all. This type of guy never closes his mouth during a kiss, it opens and that is how it remains. He probably doesn’t know what a lip to lip kiss means or maybe he is pretending his mouth is a cave with ancient stalactites and stalagmites for your tongue to explore. His passivity is thrilling the first time but soon you’re left wondering what to do with the gaping hole in front of you. If you wanted to see so much teeth and gum you’d rent Jaws again!

The Regurgitator:
Oh! He is sneaky, this one. He loves passing things from his mouth to yours. So much that he’s willing to do it sneakily. Just when you think the kiss is going well you may have a large piece of chewed up gum deposited in your mouth. Or worse, right after you’ve taken a sip out of your wine-glass and go lip to lip for a romantic kiss, he rounds his lips and deposits a thin lukewarm stream of wine mixed with his saliva into your mouth. Vintage wine turns revolting when drunk this way, but what does he care - he’s the exchanger. He’ll happily recycle water, wine, gum even, horror of horrors, other “netherly” fluids from his mouth to yours without your consent. Every time you open your mouth and close your eyes, get ready to experience unexpected foreign substances of varying tastes and consistencies regurgitated from his mouth to yours.

The Vacuum:
This is the human Dyson, he never loses suction. Not even when you want him to. He begins by sucking your lips into his mouth, and keeping them there till you forget that they ever belonged to you in the first place. For added pleasure, he will suck out all the air from you and chew on your lips intermittently and maybe reward you with a thrust from his tongue. The good? Can’t think of anything.

The Lizard:
His sharp and pointy tongue darts in an out of your mouth repeatedly and he builds up to a frenzied mini orgasm of his own leaving you completely bewildered. And usually the darting tongue is accompanies by tight lips that let nothing in their mouth. Be even more afraid of the super darter, his tongue may dart in and out of other places beside your mouth. If you don’t like slushy, spiky tongues entering your ear canal or nostrils (yes! Seriously!) avoid this one like the plague.

The Washing Machine:
He starts out well and you almost start to believe you’ve got a good one this time, until his tongue starts going round and round inside your mouth and he never pauses for a breath. You can try and pull back and get back to the earlier lip lock but his tongue is determined to clear your mouth of any debris. He’s almost like the dental hygienist except that he focuses on the inside of your teeth rather than the outside.

The Statue:
He seems to freeze like a sculpture every time he kisses you, with his head locked into position. He never moves his head or varies his posture and makes you think he’s had a bucket of liquid nitrogen poured over his head.

The Drooler:
This guy slobbers all over your face like a hound dog. There is nothing really wrong with the kiss except that your hand towel would be soaking wet if you tried to wipe down your face with it during the kiss. A wet, wet and slightly slushy experience.

The Hasn’t-ever-seen-a-tic-tac-guy:
The stink from his morning breath mixed in with a vague smell of onions and garlic from last night’s gala dinner assaults your senses. He wants you to know the plain uncoated truth about his present and his past food consumption. When he opens his mouth all you can think of is how to close it for him after shoving in a handful of breath mints.

OK, not all the kisses I've known are bad. In fact, some have been wonderful, but isn't it more fun to talk about the awful Kissers?